- (no subject)
- December 8th, 2010
i really think i'm going insane. my perfectly mundane existence can be so agonizing at times and i can't control it. i feel like i need to be institutionalized at times.
i don't think i'm actually an insane person, i think i've been driven to insanity. i think because i was a particularly sensitive and emotional kid, i had to develop tons of coping mechanisms to deal with the blunt mediocrity and the deadening stupidity of other people (not to say i'm not stupid as well), that even though i am blank on the outside while i've been raging inside for a good chunk of my life. i just have a hard time feeling anything matters anymore. i don't know if i want to play this stupid game. i have the aptitude to do "well in life" , but i just don't feel the keen desire to be act like a begging dog so i can have a "career". everyone is driven to make a living. i am alive. and i don't see myself starving anytime soon (unless i go to russia))))))) ) and i am not a particularly material person. i don't see myself feeling fucked up about not having internet or phone connection, nor do i feel the scorn of being low class. its all really superficial. everyone else seems to be having a good time, easy going but i have always been uncomfortable.
the only thing i really ever cared about is music, art, and nature (and chemistry but chemistry is part of nature). call me a fucking hippie but i don't need to make a living to enjoy any of the three. i don't need to own any of the three for it to make me happy. too bad homelessness is borderline illegal in america. if there was still a frontier out there...
the two things i like about 1st world existence is AC and heating.
i want to live in an insulated hut in peru, raise animals, grow shit, and just make art. breathe in nature. i used to think i would miss going to see shows and shit but other than the occasional times a great band reunites and rules at it (swans) most of my favorite bands are broken up and or gone bad.
maybe money, society, and commerce is all just means to socialize with other people. we buy our way into society. and i am a fucking misanthropist to the core, i am disgusted with just about every existence. i just want to tell everyone to fuck off and shut the fuck up. the only people i admire or care about i would never have to buy their attention.
maybe if i live in peru in my hut, i can take care of myself and my boyfriend. and if we have the means we can adopt a little black kid and we'll raise him to be fucking amazing and intelligent. to really inhale what it means to be a fucking independent human being with the intellectual capacity and means to take care of one self and not play into the system. its the closest thing to living without the sin of modern society. and if he leaves us for 1st world society, i guess we were wrong all along.
i've been thinking the last few days that maybe monotheism is just another reinterpretation of our relationship with the world. that god is nature, mother earth, the cosmos, thermodynamics, the laws of science. and sin is sin against the earth.
lust: disease from fucking too many people, viruses, fungal bacterial infections.
greed: energy waste, taking more than we need, destroying the environment, thus destroying our futures and the futures of tomorrows generations. setting yourself to be fucked over if we lived in an anarchic society.
sloth: sin against yourself, if you were lazy in nature you would naturally die (but in american society they've built a safety net to save you from your own sloth),
envy: is part of wanting material need,
pride: intellectual sin, to just be so fucking full of shit and attributing the divinity of nature to yourself. i guess it doesn't hurt anyone in this reinterpretation but deserves a big eye roll.
wrath: in nature you will duke it out and if you suck, you die. like animals!
gluttony: becoming an unhealthy lardass, also very hand in hand with greed. destoying the earth again.
the apocalypse is what happens when we finally fuck ourselves over. the believers are the people who transcend material existence and drop out of human society. i always think "everyone is just fucking themselves and everyone around them over and they don't even know..." i just feel like the laws of nature are just beyond our grasp and when we finally fuck ourselves over the world would consume us and put us at our rightful place. i feel like a big sinner whenever i eat at mcdonalds and continue living like this. quite beyond my means. heaven and hell become quite trivial whenever your life is actually interesting enough to worry about.